R&R

My left leg wouldn't stop twitching, my hands had gone clammy, and I was having trouble swalloing or taking deep breaths. I tried to smooth an errant wrinkle out of my polka dot sundress, and forced myself to stop fidgeting.

You could pick us out, the Army wives, from a mile away in that airport. 6am on a Thursday morning, we were dressed to kill and looked as though we could burst into tears or hysterical, nervous laughter at any given moment.

The automatic doors that led from the arrivals gate opened and closed a maddening number of times before I started seeing multi-cam bags and military haircuts. Each couple I saw reunited made my heart and eyes well up. The young mother with three small children who ran full speed into her husband's embrace, the seasoned wife who was on her 6th deployment still squealed and threw her purse to the ground when her husband scooped her up, and the couple who casually walked into eachothers' arms, yet stood there for what seemed like eternity, refusing to let go.

I began to get panicky, as overdramatic pessimists have a tendency to do, when I saw soldier after soldier come through the gate, and Zack was nowhere to be seen. Pretty soon the arrivals gate emptied out, and I was left standing alone in my high heeled wedges and wringing hands. But just at the perfect moment, the doors swung open and I saw my husband, my husband whom I had not seen in almost seven months. His smile and air about him were as giant as I remembered, and he threw his bags theatrically to the side. He pulled me into him, and lifted me up off the floor, twirling me around and around. And honestly, I'm not sure if my feet ever touched the ground again, in those 15 days of perfection.

old- May 2011

Today I found myself literally doing a little dance in my entryway at the thought of bin Laden being dead. I giggled, but as soon as the sound escaped my lips, I abruptly stopped.

Liza, I thought, you are rejoicing in the death of a human being. I got very quiet for a moment, my legs went still, and my smile dropped off.

But then I remembered the way I felt sitting in Mr. Bryant’s Physical Science class on September 11^th, 2001. I will never forget the way I felt as though I had been punched in the gut as I watched the second plane hit the towers. The images of people jumping to their death will never leave my mind. The way I spent days afterwards crying for the lives lost, and any sense of security we as a nation had previously held. I can’t forget the way I felt so nervous when I found out Zack would be going to West Point, and later joining the Army. I cry every single time, without fail, when I read of a soldier’s death in Iraq or Afghanistan. I thought about the panic and terror that grips my heart on a daily basis, the way I wake up in the middle of the night on the verge of tears, and the awful ache that has settled into my core since Zack has been deployed.

So yes, I think I will keep dancing. Although not quite so uninhibited, because I’m not of the fortunate American population that gets to go to bed each night with their spouse who works a comfy 9-5 job. I can’t toast to the USA this evening with my best friend, and watch news coverage while curled up on the couch together. My dance will be more humble, quieter, because my husband is over there, continuing to fight so you can keep celebrating, and I can’t help but think of what consequences this victory may have for the deployed troops. My emotions are so very mixed between pride, joy, fear, and worry. There is really no telling which direction this could take the war and how much it will impact the safety of the men and women over there. I am quite terrified, actually, for the repercussions we may see not just in Afghanistan & Iraq, but in the United States and large populations of Americans abroad. However, I must keep reminding myself that this day brings closure and healing to so many families who lost loved ones on that Tuesday morning, and in the war that has been going on the past 10 years. And I will also stand confident in the knowledge that my dear husband is so very clever, capable, and part of the United States Army, dammit!

So to the rest of the world, since apparently you didn’t hear us the last 10 years: getchu some.

old- March 2010

We were sitting in a room full of people, but all I could see was him. Sort of like that ‘Fancy-Focus’ setting you can do on Photoshop that blurs everything except the one thing you want to focus on. He was laughing at something one of his friends had said, and I knew, right at that very moment, that my heart would never belong to anyone else but him. It was an aching realization, one that made my stomach churn and my heart sink to the very bottom of my sand-covered shoes. Because I knew after that bittersweet four hour drive to the airport, I would probably never see him again. And because it was a terribly inconvenient realization, seeing as he was leaving the country in a few months and I was perfectly content in my little bubble of a life as of that freezing December morning.

But if there is one thing I possess, it’s passion. And if you know me in the least, you are aware that once my mind is made up and I have my sights set on something, I will stop at nothing. So I shakily pulled out my cell phone, typed an 11 word message that read: “You know I would move to Germany in 2 seconds flat”, tried to stop my heart that I was just certain the entire room could hear pounding, and pressed Send.

The rest is, well, history. Sometime in mid-April I will pack everything I own into some suitcases and board a flight to Germany. I honestly cannot spend one more day without him by my side. Zack is in the Army, and will be in Germany for 3 years, so for drei years I will be traveling Europe with my very best friend and the boy I have madly loved for an embarrassing number of years. I am so incredibly excited about seeing so many new things, building a beautiful little German home, and perhaps even meeting another Liebscher. But I think what I am most excited about is simply waking up every morning and seeing him. That is all I have ever wanted since that first kiss on the dusty hill at the edge of the woods.

Zack is stationed in Baumholder, but we will be living in a slightly bigger town about 20 minutes north of Baumholder called Idar Oberstein. Neither of them are big enough to warrant a spot on most broad maps of Germany, but Idar Oberstein is located in West Germany. It’s in between Frankfurt & Stuttgart [where my great grandpa was born!], but west of those cities. [And only about 4 hours driving distance from Paris!]

I know it all might sound slightly crazy, quitting my job, leaving my dearly loved family & friends and the comforts of America, and moving to a foreign country [the extent of my German is ‘guten tag’ and ‘bitte’] with a boy I haven’t actually been in a relationship with in almost 3 years. But isn’t that what life is about? Stepping outside of your comfort zone, chasing dreams, believing in fairy tales? If it isn’t, don’t inform me now.

Today was wonderful. Upon waking up, I had a cup of green tea infused with pomegranate, washed my hair (these days, washing my hair is a pretty huge deal. you just do not even know..), and got ready for church.

I met up with Gretchen, Lydia, & Jamie and we went to church in Ramstein. The worship was great, but I got a bit lost in the message. (However, I fully attribute that to my ADD, which has somehow flown under the radar for 24 years.) I think I miss Zack most on Sundays, especially when I go to church. I miss looking over and seeing his closed eyes and face full of passion, and I miss hearing his strong voice belting out songs. I miss him putting his arm around me and sharing a quick smile before a prayer. And I miss just feeling dizzy with love and sending up a million prayers of thanks for this husband of mine. But I still had a great time today, surrounded by sweet friends.

Throughout church my stomach was eating itself with hunger, so afterwards we quickly headed onto Ramstein's base and had lunch at Chili's. (!!! You would not believe how refreshing it is to just see an "American" place in the middle of Germany.) Lunch was delicious, Jamie tried fried pickles for the first time in her life, and there was plenty of entertaining conversation throughout.

After lunch we made the fatal mistake of going into the BX. For you fortunate souls that are stateside, Ramstein's BX is the equivalent of Target. You go in needing maybe 1 item, (sometimes not even that, you just have nothing better to do) and come out about $100 poorer. It is unreal how much money you can manage to spend in under an hour there, on stuff 30 minutes prior to walking in, you had no idea you needed. When we first walked in, they had a display table with...(please brace yourself for this) Victoria's Secret PINK stuff for the ARMY!

You do not even want to know how hard we spazzed out. I guess Zack will find out the extent of our freak-out session when he checks the bank account. :)

Ventured to the commissary at Ramstein, where I picked up some fresh strawberries that smelled so sweet, and were only $1 a basket. Also got some vanilla almond milk, which was Jamie's suggestion. I didn't notice a great deal of difference, nutrition-wise, between the almond milk and the regular skim milk I buy. The almond milk had 10 more calories per serving, and also a tiny bit less calcium & Vitamin A per serving as well. So I'm not sure that it's really a healthier alternative for me. I just wanted to try something different, I guess. I also bought some chocolate protein powder to add to my smoothies. Ever since I bought a Magic Bullet, (okay, it's not that exact brand, it's some knock-off..but whatever) I have been psycho about smoothies.

My typical smoothie is: any random frozen fruit I have on hand (most often strawberries, mangos, & raspberries. I do frozen because I'm too lazy to make ice trays)*1/2 banana *1/2 cup of plain Greek yogurt*splash of 100% juice (normally cranberry) *handful of spinach *sprinkle of cinnamon.

After our adventures in Ramstein, we drove home. As usual, I was sad to say goodbye to my friends. It's insane, I really could hang out with them 24/7. Although I'm not sure they'd feel the same. ;)

I got home and before I lost motivation and my bed sucked me into its magical grasp, I threw on some workout clothes and did my first BodyRock workout because I was too lazy to go get my P90X DVD (yes, I readily admit to having laziness issues.) I have to admit, I was seriously impressed by BodyRock. Most of the workouts are very short, which I love. I chose a longer one, 22 minutes, and it straight kicked my butt. I still feel a little wobbly, in fact. But...bad news. My #1 GirlCrush for about 5 years now, has been replaced by the BodyRock girl, Zuzana. I expected her to be this raging youknowwhat, but she was surprisingly down-to-earth, had a cute Russian accent, and was really encouraging.

(Well, maybe 'replaced' was a harsh word. Rachel, I will forever want you to be my best friend.)

The cherry on top of my gelato of a day was as I was stepping out of the shower, literally one foot in the shower and one on the ground, the phone rang. As soon as I heard that perfect voice on the other end, all the butterflies alive on this Earth made their way to my stomach and I smiled like a goofy creep throughout the conversation. A rather short conversation, but hey...beggars can't be choosers, right?

I guess that's enough pointless information. This was my first attempt at a "This is what I did today" post. Sometimes it's nice to just write without thinking too much.

I am mostly okay. But when the sun comes tumbling down and it is time for bed, the only way I can fall asleep is to read a book until my eyes burn. The words trickle off of the page, and I have to struggle to make it to the end of paragraph before inserting a makeshift bookmark. I half-watch the book slip down the sheets and onto the floor. Then I mostly sleep. Nights are the worst.

Today has been an awesome day because I got to go to the dentist, and for the following reasons:

1. Even though I haven't been to the dentist in about 4 years, my teeth were in excellent shape. Going strong on 24 years cavity-free.

2. I heard someone use the phrase "HAM" in the waiting room.

3. I got my teeth cleaned, and perhaps it's just my imagination, but they look much whiter.

The only negative was that I am going to have to get my wisdom teeth removed at some point in the next year. I told the dentist I am going to wait for Zack to get back, though. I jump at almost every chance I get to be babied by him and plan on milking my "surgery" for all it's worth. ;)

doin' it & doin' it & doin' it well

I was driving home the other evening and it struck me, quite suddenly, "I am doing it. I am really doing it." By 'doing it' I mean, going through a year-long deployment. The feeling that accompanied that thought was a proud one, one that made me grin to myself as I drove through the backwoods of Germany.

If you had asked me back in January, if I thought that I would be anywhere near to the adjective "okay" a few weeks into the deployment, I would have laughed bitterly in your face. The weeks, months even, leading up to the highly-anticipated, much-dreaded goodbye were some of the absolute most dismal and frightening points in the Lizack timeline to date. I'm really not sure that I have ever cried so much in my 24 years of being on this earth than I did in those dark, late days of January.

I remember lying awake at night, trying desperately to memorize the shape of his lips and the curve of his fingers on my waist. I remember fervently praying, pleading, making random deals with God to prevent this deployment from happening. I remember the hot tears that sprung to my eyes when I even thought about not being with my best friend for an entire year. I remember breaking down into heaving sobs outside of the commissary after realizing the food I had just purchased would expire after he left, and I'd have to eat it alone. I remember obsessing over the "last" everything. "Today is our last Monday together, this is the last time we'll eat here together, this is the last time we'll sleep together, this is the last time I'll watch him shave." I could go on & on with how many "lasts" I created for us that final week. I remember the way my heart clinched, stomach flopped, and tears rolled the day he came home wearing his black, infrared flag patch.

The day we said our goodbye was chilly and grey, and my contacts had clouded over by 9 AM. I was leaving that day for a weekend trip to Dublin with some friends, (friends so amazing, they deserve, and will receive, their own post soon) so Zack & I clutched each other outside of Gate A at Frankfurt Hahn, had a hurried kiss, and I choked back sobs as I watched him walk down the hallway.

Something about the goodbye didn't feel right. While obviously there are very few people who would ever feel "good" about saying goodbye for a year, there was this critical feeling of settlement I knew I needed to have, and I just did not. I quickly found out why within minutes of landing back in Germany after our trip. To make a long, annoyingly complicated, and stressful story short: Zack's company did not deploy when originally scheduled, so he actually was home the entire weekend I was gone.

Luckily, we both possess too much zeal for our own good, and arranged it to where we could get a final, "for-real" goodbye. I tried my best to look pretty before seeing him again, but there is only so much you can do with having had little to no sleep, crying fits that have occurred every hour on the hour for four days, and a heart that isn't sure if it's going to, or wants to, keep beating. Still, I got in our car and drove quickly through the inky night to where he was. I hardly dared to breathe as I waited for him to come to the car. I looked down and saw that my heart was pounding so hard it was causing the little charm on my necklace to flit back and forth. Finally he came, and we had our moment. We kissed, we cried (okay, so maybe it was just me crying, but for the sake of the story I shall pretend he was crying too), we laughed, we held on to each other tight until it was time to go. That goodbye felt firm, final, and peaceful. I didn't cry as I drove away, I felt this overwhelming sense of calm rush through me.

This was happening, it really was. My husband was leaving me for 365 days. And I was okay.

I am okay. Far better than I could have ever anticipated. Of course there are days I feel sad, but not that debilitating sorrow I used to feel towards the deployment even when his body was still by my side. It's a moment of sadness in which a few tears might escape when I find an old note he wrote me, or my heart might painfully twinge when I hear his voice in my head, "Jus leeeesten!", but it usually passes quickly and I resume my everyday life, sans Zack.

Yes, we are doing this deployment. And yes we are doing it well, as well as we know how.

I am so overwhelmed.

I have been wanting to make a new post for a while now, but so much has happened since May of 2010 that I hardly know where to begin.

So I am not going to furiously type out a long-winded recap of the past 10 months. Instead, I will start clean and go forth, with the promise of a new entry at least a few times a week.

If you came here looking for "good" writing, you will probably be sorely disappointed. In the lovestoned haze of newlywed life, my writing has become lazy, and the words that used to spill out of my brain so easily simply do not want to arrange themselves into any sort of coherent thought process.

I will occasionally use this blog as an outlet for some of my writing ventures, but mostly I would like to use it as a cheap and easy form of therapy, especially for this next year. Also, as a way for my family and friends to keep up with my European travels.

So, here is to no more neglecting of my blog!

travels